visale balarajah

SELf-acceptance

Satisfaction. Competition. Self-confidence. These are factors that, more or less, define my academic experience thus far. I come from an immigrant family, born as the eldest of three siblings. Being a first generation student, that too the eldest in the family, I have a lot of pressure on me to pave a clear path for my younger siblings. As a result, I feel that I am very hard on myself to make sure that I am the role model my parents hope me to be. This is the fate of many first generation students attending university. At times, I feel that, no matter how hard I work, I can never satisfy myself and that I need to work harder to be better.

Above this, competition due to grades increases the amount of pressure I put on myself. Ever since highschool, marks have always been a competitive aspect of my academic career. My aim has always been to get the best grades in my friend group. On the bright side, having competition amongst others motivates me to work to my fullest to try and achieve the previously stated goal. Yet, if the mark I get is lower than that of my friends’, even if by a percent difference, my self-esteem drops. I still compare my marks with my friends, even though I know the repercussions of it. With university, I find that marks are more significant to me - relative to the importance I gave it in high school - as it influences my post-graduate aims. Hence, when I receive grades where I do not feel satisfied in university, it impacts me even more than it did in highschool.

In all, lack of satisfaction in how I perform, and the competition that ultimately leads to the aforementioned, depletes my self-confidence. The amount of pressure I put on myself is detrimental to my mental health. Now, knowing the importance of mental health, I am slowly working on building up my self-confidence. Admittedly, I am still in the beginning stages of the process. One of the first steps I am taking is to confront my weaknesses. By taking part in this project, I feel that I can face my weaknesses head on, while hopefully impacting you as you continue to read my story. I am not proud of my weaknesses, but I also know that growth is a slow process. Ultimately, I hope to look back on my past, reflect on where I started, and be proud of how far I have come from there.